


Good Enough

by ImpossibleHumanParadise



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 06:12:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6362731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImpossibleHumanParadise/pseuds/ImpossibleHumanParadise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Percy Jackson always felt he was not good enough. And then he meets Nico di Angelo, and everything is alright for a while. And everything ends on a stormy night.</p><p>I found some really heart-breaking prompts (the first sentences at the beginning of the fic are all prompts) and my mind immediately jumped to Percy and Nico and I wanted to write some angst because why not. Warning: self-harm, suicide attempts, depression.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Friendofalfonso](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Friendofalfonso/gifts).



> Don't read this fic if you can be triggered by the warnings mentioned in the summary.

_How could you do this to me?_  
_I thought I could trust you._  
_You used me._  
_I thought you were better than that._

_"Can we give this another shot? Please?"  
"I need some time alone..."_

_Don't touch me!  
I want you gone by the morning._

 

Percy choked on another sob as last night conversation ran through his head. He leaned back against the wall of the alley he was in and looked at the grey skies that had opened up hours ago. It was the most cliché thing in the universe to rain when one was feeling upset, but it was happening and he could not care less. Nico had wanted him gone by the morning, but he had been packed up and out by the time he got out of the shower. His hands were shaking, he noted dully. He should probably get out of the rain but he had nowhere to go. He bit his lip. How did his life get so fucked up? 

_"I'm not doing this anymore for you, Luke. I can't. I'm done."  
"You're not done until I say so." _

_Percy had known Luke since he was 10. He had been the friendly neighbor he could hide at after a beating from Smelly Gabe. He offered comfort and an ear to listen when no one could be bothered. When his mother died and Smelly Gabe had finally been arrested, he ran. He didn't wait for the Child Protection Services to take him away, he just packed everything of importance in his backpack and ran. Afterwards he'd regret it, but by then it had been years of hiding on the streets, painting and playing guitar for food, trying to never get caught. He met Leo at some point, an enthusiastic homeless guy, just like him, and they got through life for a while. One day, however, Leo got charmed off his feet by a chocolate-skinned goddess and her boyfriend, a Canadian with Asian roots, and he soon moved on. Percy lived with them for a while, but soon enough, he knew he had become a bother for them. So he left, once again. He packed up and moved on. Leo, Hazel and Frank all insisted he could stay, but he knew what they really wanted. And he was not it. **He was friendly, but not good enough.**_

_He lived alone on the streets again for a while before he met another future friend of his. Rachel was a girl with fiery hair and a temper to match. She knew what she wanted in life and she was working everyday to become a recognized artist. She was homeless like he was, and they sold their paintings together. Soon enough though, she met an art critic who took an interest in her drawings and offered her a scholarship. When Rachel asked if he could offer one to Percy as well, Percy saw the doubt in the critic's eyes. He shook his head at Rachel and told her it'd be better if they parted ways. He had another direction to follow. He was lying of course, but for his best friend, he would move the ocean itself. So he let her go. **He was a good enough artist, but not good enough.**_

_He continued on, moving from town to town, playing and making portraits for tourists. Along the way he met Thalia and her friends, a gang that was biking its way through the states, who offered him a home for a couple of days, but he had to leave soon. The girls in said group were not very friendly with men. **He was nice, but not good enough.**_

_And then, when he was sure he had nothing left, when he was sure to jump off a bridge, he met Luke once more. The reconciliation had been great and heart-warming, and Luke had been amazing for the first few days. But then, he started asking for Percy to do odd jobs for him: deliver this package to this or that person, sell this to this or that person, get the money from this or that person. Percy was not stupid by any means, even though most people underestimated him greatly. He knew in what kind of affairs Luke was dealing, but he said nothing, because Luke had offered him a home and food on the table and a relatively stable job. By the time Percy was in the prostitution industry, it was too late to back down._

_He had been working as a stripper/prostitute for about a year when he met Nico di Angelo. Percy had stumbled over him outside smoking at the end of his shift, and they started talking. That was how he found out that Nico was majoring in law, that his father was Hades di Angelo, the one and only owner and CEO of the Shadow Travel Agency, that he had an older sister Bianca -Percy told him he had met her when he met Thalia- and a younger half-sister Hazel -who had also told him about her short time with Percy apparently- that his mother had died in a fire and it took him years to open up to Persephone but by now they were the best of friends. And Percy told Nico of his life on the streets for so long. He left some of his childhood out, but by the time they finished, they were already deeply connected. Another two weeks of that and Nico offered him a better job: designer at his law firm -everything that involved business cards, presentations for other companies and so on- was his duty. And Percy felt at peace._

_Luke did not take that very well, but he had left Percy alone out of respect for Nico. He did start to ask of Percy to be his dealer again a few months later. Percy fought tooth-and-nails against it but in the end the words 'I'll tell him everything' sealed the deal. Percy did it for a while, skilfully hiding it from his boyfriend, until three days ago. When he told Luke he was done. Luke did not take it well and started pressuring him into sleeping with him instead. Percy had to comply, because by now Luke was threatening Nico's safety as well. And that was how Nico had caught them: making out on the couch. Because that was how Luke had planned it. **He was a good actor, but not good enough.**_

Everything fell apart after that. Luke was thrown out and Nico screamed and raged, threw and broke things, punched walls.  
”How could you do this to me?! I thought I could trust you... You used me, didn't you? For everything I had to offer, for the chance to get off the streets. I thought you were better than that. How could you betray me, us, like that, Perseus?”  
“Ni-” he had reached out a hand to him but recoiled back when Nico had glared.  
“Don't touch me.” his voice was dead and cold with anger.  
“Can we give this another shot? Please?” he asked after a moment of silence.  
“It's too late for second chances, Perseus.”  
But never once did he touch Percy. By the end of the argument, Nico was spent, and was just sorrowful. Percy didn't bother trying to explain, he knew they would only sound like excuses. Then, 'I need some time alone.... I want you gone by the morning.' He had listened and packed up everything, absolutely everything but the presents he had gotten from his boyfriend: a silver necklace with a skull bead, a black thin ring and everything else Nico had given him over that time period. And now here he was, all alone because Luke had gotten what he wanted, sitting in the rain and watching the blood flow from his wrists. One more secret he had hid from his boyfriend. What was one more drop in an ocean by now? He had never told Nico of his cutting, of his depression, of his past suicide attempts. It never came up and now it didn't matter anymore. He curled up tighter under the small canopy he had found and, using the backpack as a pillow, slept uneasily for a few hours. When he woke up, he shouldered his backpack and moved on from the apartment building that had been his home for the past year. If he had looked back, he would have seen the distraught young man pacing his bedroom.

***

When Nico walked out of the shower, his heart dropped. True to his command, Percy had packed everything and left. He had not been that angry, mostly upset and betrayed, but his heart ached when he realized all evidence of Percy was gone. He walked to the table to see that Percy had left behind his most prized possessions: the necklace and the ring. Once he sat on the bed, quieting his mind, he realized he could hear the rain outside. He sat up at once and looked out, but it was too dark to see anything. He felt physically sick when he realized that Percy was out there, alone, wet and cold, with no place to go. He tried to call him, but the 'Hero' ring tone rang from the living room and he knew he had left his phone behind. He had been pacing like a caged animal when he had an idea. He might not be able to find Percy now, but he might as well investigate the matter. He knew Percy and the boy he loved was loyal to the bone, he would never cheat. 

***

A week later found him sitting on the bridge, staring at the water rushing below. He was shaking from the cold, he noted dully and he was so dizzy from the blood loss it took everything in his power not to let himself fall. After all, what did he have to lose? He had already lost everything. _**He had had the world and he was good at appreciating it, but not good enough.**_

He closed his eyes and exhaled, knowing he was about to fall to his death. He could feel the air whooshing around his body, but his fall was stopped by a hand on the back of his hoodie and he was pulled back in a strong chest. He blinked and looked up in the teary eyes of the one and only Nico di Angelo.  
"Wha...?" he swallowed as he was hugged tight and he couldn't stop the tears from falling down his cheeks.  
"Oh, you idiot... You amazing, loyal, selfless idiot.” He heard Nico mutter as he held onto him tighter. “I.. investigated Luke, I know why you did what you did. Why didn't you tell me?”  
“It would have sounded like a pathetic excuse, or a 'Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free' card...” Percy mumbled in the strong chest.  
“I love you, I forgive you.” Nico said and Percy smiled tiredly.  
“Good... that's good.” The last thing he heard before he passed out was Nico's panicked voice as he took in the blood soaking his hoodie. “Percy?! Percy, what have you done?!”

***

Nico stared at the unmoving body of his love on the hospital bed. 

_He had finally figured everything out, and by the fact that he had Hazel, Bianca and Rachel -who he had met at an art gallery- tell him everything they knew of Percy, certainly was not bad. He had found out that Luke threatened Percy to kill him so that he could ruin their relationship and he had Luke in prison by now. He was going to the bridge, hoping to see Percy and give him a chance to explain. He had seen him sitting on the rail and he started walking faster, until he saw him lean forward and start to fall and his heart seized in his chest. He broke in a full-out sprint and managed to catch his hoodie before he could fall to his death and pull him back to safety. He noticed Percy's red-rimmed eyes and the dark circles underneath and the way he snuggled up to him immediately, clutching his leather jacket for dear life. He felt immensely happy when he could finally hold Percy in his arms again._

And then he noticed the slurred speech and the way he couldn't sit up properly on his own and he pulled back to ask him if he was okay.  
_Blood seeped through his sleeves and bloomed like a gory flower. He was pale, his heart was slowing down and so was his breathing. Nico panicked and called an ambulance._  
_He lost a lot of blood._  
_It seems he had a lot of old scars on his arms._  
_His medical file said he was diagnosed with depression._  
_He was on medication._  
_He's suicidal._  
_He has 5 failed suicide attempts._  
He remembered the panic he felt when he saw Percy lean forward, ready to fall and how he thought his heart would burst out of his chest. It was nothing compared to the absolute agony he felt when he first heard Percy's condition. He had been diagnosed with depression, he was suicidal, and yet, he had never said anything. Because he had been ashamed.

***

When Percy came to, he could hear the steady beeping of monitors nearby and he knew exactly where he was. He had ended up here a lot after all. He turned his head, trying to regain some kind of range of motion in his body again, and noticed Nico sitting on a chair to his left, staring at his hands that did not seem to stop shaking. His breathing was unsteady, as if he was recovering from a crying session. But that was not right. Nico never cried.  
“Nico?” he asked and winced at how hoarse his voice sounded. Nico's head snapped up so fast he would have given Bruce Lee whiplash. He seemed so relieved when he saw that Percy was awake and he was immediately at his side, feeding him a couple of spoonfuls of ice chips. Percy ate and leaned back against the pillows after Nico helped him sit up.  
“How are you feeling?” Nico asked, his voice hoarse from disuse before clearing his throat.  
“I'm.. alright, I guess. I... Are you okay? Is everything okay?”  
“I would be, if I hadn't almost lost you...” Nico said and choked.  
“Nico...”  
“Two days, 10 hours, 35 minutes. That's how long you've been out since you passed out in my arms from blood-loss. Why, Percy? Why would you do it?”  
“At that time, I... I was sure there was nothing left for me. I was sure you hated me and I just did not feel like life was worth living. I wanted to die... that's why I was on the bridge. The cutting, well... it had been going on for the last 8 years or so... it was just something to keep me focused on anything other than what I was feeling inside.”  
“You've been doing it since you were 12?! Why?” Nico asked, his voice shaking.  
Percy didn't say anything for a while. “I think it's time you knew about my past. All of it.” That was how Percy ended up telling Nico everything, starting with his abuse and ending up to the moment of the fight. And Nico listened patiently, somehow ending up cuddled up to him, holding him tighter when he got to a particularly bad moment of his life. By the time he had finished, he knew he was far from being alright, but he would be getting there. After all, he had Nico now. **His name is Percy Jackson, and he is good enough.**


End file.
